Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1997

This week I ended up having to hang up on the customer service agent from my current mobile operator. The problem, you see, is that my phone won't receive calls or send texts. These things are quite important to me.

Here's a summary of the call I made to their customer service line. (It was the second call, as the nice lady from the first call promised to call me back with a solution but my phone won't receive... You get the point.)

Me: "Is there anything you can do?"

Nice man: "I'm afraid you're in a bad area for 3G signal."

Me: "I'm in Central London."

Nice man: "Exactly. Just turn 3G off, and use GSM only. That will solve it."

Me: "But I need 3G!"

Nice man: "What do you use if for? It's only for the internet and stuff."

Me: "Okaaaay. When will it be fixed?"

Nice man: "You'll need to stay on GSM-only until the end of September."

Me: Right. [click]

When faced with disappointing service I normally write a letter to the offending company's UK MD, cc'ing the global CEO and possibly a member of the British Monarchy.

But not this week. It's time to be positive. I'm going to turn this problem into an opportunity! Being back on GSM has fixed the problem with my phone, but it's also presented me with a unique challenge. Yes, I need to survive on GSM - good ol' 2G - until my network operator fixes its 3G masts. But I think I can do so much more...

Can I return to the year I first got a mobile phone of my very own - 1998?

Can I forgo all the technology I didn't have back then?

Can I say goodbye to Mp3, HD TV, PS3 and 802.11g?

You know what? I reckon I can. Starting tomorrow I'm off on a journey back to 1998 - and not only am I going to rid myself of the technological trappings of a late-Noughties technophile, I'm going to revisit the people and places from that year in my life along the way. So, until my operator gets its 3G network back online, this blog will be dedicated to posts from my rediscovery of the world in 1998. To be honest I hope they take their time.

But before I press the button on the time machine, here are some rules that I'm going to live by until I'm sent back to the future:

1. My phone can be GSM only - no GPRS, no EDGE, no HDPA, no data.

2. I can use the internet - but only from wired connections (so no wifi).

3. Twitter is OK, as long as it doesn't break rule 1 or 2.

4. Portable music must be CD. Home video must be DVD. Books must be paper.

5. New gadgets (such as a Flip cam) can ONLY be used to document this experiment.

BONUS RULE. At times when the rules might get in the way of work, I can bend them. But not to the point where this stops being fun.

See you all in 1998.

Day one, 1998: Bye bye iPad, hello Gameboy Color

This picture documents the exact moment that the switch is being made - my iPad goes to my other half, and I receive a Gameboy Color in return (the actual one she bought me in 1998!).

In the end I had to be honest... My iPad is mainly used for sofa surfing or playing Angry Birds and Sparkle. So it seemed fair that a suitable swap would be for the top portable games console of 1998.

Here's what is ahead of me, according to Nintendo's launch marketing:

Looks awesome doesn't it? I'm willing to wager (and I'll find out tomorrow on my tube journey to work) that Tetris DX and Snoopy Tennis are just as playable as Angry Birds, if a little harder to see on the tiny screen. I have got both, as well as The Legend of Zelda (Link's Awakening) and Pokemon. If you see me on the tube trying to work out what on Earth Pokemon is all about, feel free to say hi.

Some stats for you:

Gameboy Color:

2.6" reflective screen

Resolution: 160 x 144 pixels

8-bit processor

119m units sold

Dimensions: 5.3" x 3" x 1"

Battery life: 30 hours

Game format: Cartridge

Top game: Zelda, with 4m copies sold

iPad:

9.7" backlit screen

Resolution: 1024 x 768 pixels

1GHz processor

12.5m units sold (predicted at end of 2010)

Dimensions: 9.5" x 7.5" x 0.5"

Battery life: 10 hours

Game format: Download

Top game: Couldn't find the info but guessing Angry Birds

Now... Anyone got a PlayStation I can borrow?

The YouTube time machine does '98 (but not that well)

Tac just pointed out YouTube Time Machine, a site that lets you check out videos uploaded to YouTube in a chosen year.

There's only one from 1998, but it's a classic.

Day three, 1998: Chooooooon!

The Sony Discman has arrived following my frantic eBay-ing, costing me 99p (plus £3 postage). I have paired it with a pair of amazingly bass-heavy Sony headphones, given to me for Christmas in 1998. The Discman is the model without anti-skip, which may be a problem seeing as it skips appallingly when you merely *look* at it, let alone pick the bugger up.

The final challenge... What to listen to? Rifling through my entire CD collection (which, following the advent of iTunes and Spotify, hasn't been touched for ages), I found 12 albums produced in '98. The list below will become my only musical entertainment while on the move until I am able to return to the present day...

Propellerheads: Decksanddrumsandrockandroll
Goldie: Rings of Saturn
Robbie Williams: I've been expecting you
Gomez: Bring it on
Underworld: Beaucoup Fish
Lo Fidelity Allstars: How to operate with a blown mind
Morcheeba: Big Calm
Massive Attack: Mezzanine
Air: Moon Safari
Fatboy Slim: You've come a long way, baby
David Gray: White Ladder
Lenny Kravitz: 5

Three of the albums in this list I still listen to all the time, and would definitely count among my top albums of all time. (No, Lenny Kravitz isn't one of them.)

The iPod now joins the iPad in the Cupboard Of The Future, which I'm banned from opening until 1998 is over. Once again I'm really looking forward to tomorrow's tube journey to work. It's going to be a Goldie day.

Having tested it just now at home, I have got one more thing to say: Burn your Apple headphones. I've been a huge fan of the standard iPod earbuds since they launched, but I just listened to a 12 year-old CD on an obsolete device using headphones that are falling apart and the music made the hairs stand up on the back of my neck for the first time in years.

There's a lot of love out there for the Propellerheads

Back here in 1998, the Propellerheads album is ruling my Discman. Judging by the response to my post yesterday, lots of people loved them to.

For your listening and viewing pleasure, here's Spybreak! (Also the sountrack to the best scene in The Matrix):

And History Repeating (featuring Shirley Bassey, and ruined by being the soundtrack to Graham Norton's chat show - genius video though):

So, where are they now? According to their Wikipedia entry, they're pursuing solo projects, mainly in production. So is it time for a campaign to bring them back?

I vote YES.

Day eight, 1998: Getting battered at Ted's

This week's PR Forum in Southampton gave me the chance to explore my 1998 stomping ground (having lived there between '94 and '99).

I took a drive around there last night. Most places I used to hang out in have changed names. No more Lizard Lounge (now Bar Revolution), Simon's Wine Bar (now Orange Rooms), Academy (now Reflex), Greenhouse (now The Wine Bar), or Harvey's (now, er, Ninety Degrees at Carltons).

But oce place remains unchanged. Ted's Fish Bar - famed for introducing battered Mars and Snickers bars to Southampton (and therefore revolutionising my diet) - looks exactly the same.

I'll wager that it's still serving up greasy wonders (including the famous battered burger in a bun) to Southampton's students, and that the same fruit machine is still nestled in the back ready to take any change you've got left after last orders at Bedfords (still Bedfords).

And no, I didn't go in. Battered Snickers bars, no matter how delicious, would kill a 34 year-old *instantly*.

Day 16, 1998: Bye Bye Desire

It took a while before I could find a phone that fit the '1998 project' (as people seem to be calling it now).

After more than two weeks of frantic eBaying, mysterious packages arriving in the post, visits from family and friends clutching old handsets, and numerous conversations with a very confused phone unlocking chap in Chinatown, I've settled on a Nokia 6210.

The Nokia 5110 (the phone I should be using) refuses to accept my sim, despite being unlocked. The Motorola StarTac had the same reaction, despite me cellotaping my sim to the giant, credit-card sized Cellnet sim that came out of it (along with some hair, and what looked like chocolate). The Siemens C25, cute as it may be, turned up with no charger. The Nokia 6500 Classic is far too new, and for girls. I still can't find an Ericsson GH688 (the one I really wanted) for love nor money.

So the 6210 - the phone I had in 2000 and generously donated by Silk Snr - seemed to be the best bet. Yes, I know it's technically from the future but it runs on a Nokia operating system that's pre-S60 (the first Symbian-based platform for smartphones) so is remarkably similar to the Nokia I was using in 1998.

Yes, it may have Snake II instead of Snake and an infra-red port, but it doesn't have crazy modern tech like polyphonic ringtones or - gasp - predictive text. In other words, it's a phone that's far from smart.

So after much soul searching and a tearful goodbye, the HTC Desire has gone to join my iPad and my Sony Reader in The Cupboard Of The Future.

If you need me, send me a text.

Modern mobiles are mental

Three days on the antique Nokia 6210 and I have come to a conclusion. But first, some observations:

1. You can drop the Nokia 6210 on concrete and it bounces.

2. I'm on the third day without a charge and the beast still has three battery bars (out of five).

3. You can make calls in places where I previously thought there was no reception*.

4. It's unbelievably light.

5. It boots up in under 5 seconds.

Someone once told me that in the future, phones would be made of glass, the batteries would last less than a day and they'd take almost two minutes to boot up.

Don't worry, I'm sure they were just pulling my leg.

(* The stairwell at work. Beyond the microwave meals in M&S. In fact, right to the cakes at the back.)

Desperately seeking some-of-you-will-know-who

Every now and then I'll be sitting down in front of the TV and one of my late 90s best friends will appear in an advert, and I choke on my dinner.

But before he was famous, he was already a legend.

Now, using the power of the information superhighway, I'm inviting him out for coffee and a catchup.

And on the sixth day...

It finally happened. After five days of relentless service, the little Nokia gave up and shut down at some point in the early hours of Saturday morning.

Last charged last Sunday night, I estimate that I got well over 100 hours before it ran out. Compare that to a generous average of 16 from the HTC Desire under normal conditions, and around 12 under heavy usage if I'm lucky.

Aside from the obvious positive environmental impact, it just goes to show how we've sacrificed convenience and reliability for features and functions. Granted I haven't been able to check in on Foursquare, check my email walking to work, or stalk you on Facebook while waiting for a bus. But I also haven't really needed to do any of those this week.

If anything, and once I got used it it, my week has been a lot better. I've had more time to think and less need to worry while out of the office. Why the hell was I checking in at Tesco anyway?

Everyone I've met this week has, at some point, suddenly and unexpectedly dropped out of conversation to mutter at their phone. Do you remember the last time you did that? Do you even notice you're doing it?

Nothing to do with big, red balls

In 4-7 days (depending on postage) my eyes will witness this sequence once again.

I'm beyond excited.

Do not try this at home

I'm still cracking through the list of things that'll ensure I successfully and vividly relive 1998. I've already changed my profile pictures, phone, games console, music and film choices. But don't worry, there's lost more to do.

The other night I was drunk enough to be able to cross out number 9 on my list of target activites: Smoke a cigarette. In 1998 (for most of the 90s, in fact) I was passionately addicted to Marlboro Lights, consuming 10 to 20 of the evil little bastards each and every day. It wasn't until a couple of years later that Allan Carr's book completely changed my life by allowing me to stop completely (and surprisingly easily).

The verdict? I'm happy to report that it tasted foul, despite the fact that it was mild rolling tobacco delivered in a licorice paper. I coughed - in an annoying, tickly way - all the way to work the next day. In fact, it's now three days later and I can still taste it. I can't believe I used to smoke so much and still function.

And what have we learnt from this little exercise? If you're thinking of smoking, don't. It makes you ill. If you're thinking of stopping, buy this book. Actually, I've got two copies at home. If you are serious about stopping just email me and I'll send one to you.

Phew. Glad we got that over with. What's next on the list? Oh dear.

Faxing the future from 1998

A delivery of blasts from the past

Today is going to be a fun day.

The fax was received, Tweets ensue

Looks like my fax did arrive, after all.

No word yet on whether Orange is going to play along. Shame if they didn't, eh?

What would you say to your 1998 self?

As you know, I'm living in 1998. Which means you can email, text or phone yourself and I'll make sure you get the message.

Want to talk to yourself in 1998?

Text it to the dedicated Nokia 5110:

07919 201610.

Leave yourself a message on the 1998 ansafone:

020 7193 3820.

Email yourself at:

mein1998@hotmail.co.uk

All messages will be published here.

This is probably what I'd say:

"Refuse to play Cardinal Puff because you'll end up being sick in your hair after an hour then sleep through the doorbell. On the morning you get back from the airport, convince her to go to work. Start planning a trip to Vegas for Millennium Eve because she'll be there and Reading will really, really suck. And whatever you do, don't get in the Yugo."

I've started to get the feeling that I'm messing with the space/time continuum. It's like that scene in 12 Monkeys, except in reverse!

It's time to change the 'station

Yes, I know it's officially a PSone - the 2000-born version of the PlayStation console that dominated my 1998 downtime - but just like all of us now we're grown up, we're still all the same on the inside.

I've been happily reliving WipeOut 2097 (still the best game ever), Colin McRae Rally (ridiculous but satisfying powerslides), Gran Turismo (so many layers of joy) and Bust-A-Move 2 (like crack but funnier) until the early hours of the morning, aghast at how wonderful these games really were. And still are.

In fact... For playability, depth of story, imagination, and even graphic detail, this 1994 machine - and if you'll forgive the turn of phrase - craps on a Wii.

Now - who can lend me Bust-A-Groove?

(By the way, I got the PSone, two controllers and eight decent games on eBay for... Wait for it... £4.29. Unbelievable!)

Fax for the memories

Orange throws support behind the 1998 Project

There I was, only just recovering from news that the 1998 Project had appeared in Saturday's Guardian, when Orange only goes and agrees to reduce my monthly payment to £15! A whole five months before I was even allowed to!

Remember the fax I sent them asking if they would reduce my mobile payments to match what I was paying in 1998? Well they've kindly obliged. That's another small step towards me living more and more like it's 1998.

Oh, and my MiniDisc player arrives this week too.

Today is so full of win I'm not sure how I'm going to cope.

Image courtesy of XNAHandkor.

Scent from the past to change the future

This is what I used to wear, and it's what I'm wearing now.

This is the feedback: "You smell like the toilets at the Orange Rooms."

Oh well.

Only 17 months of the 1998 project (and smelling like the South's funkiest party bar) left to go.

Orange cuts off my data for good

If you've been following this blog, you'll know that after two faxes Orange agreed to drop my monthly bill to the same amount I was paying in 1998.

I am now on the imaginatively-titled Raccoon 15. That means 100 minutes and 300 texts per month... And NO mobile data.

Until now I could've used data if I'd wanted to. And I have a couple of times when work demanded it (as per rule number 5).

Not any more. I'm now without mobile data for the first time since I got my Nokia 7110 on December 4, 2000 - almost a decade ago.

Things just got real. And it feels very, very weird.

Awesome picture courtesy of sociotard.

He drinks a whiskey drink, he drinks a vodka drink...

... He drinks an Archers & lemonade. And then chases it with a Silk Panties shooter (Archers and vodka).

He sings songs that remind him of the good times.

He sings songs that remind him of the better times.

Desire has left me forever

It's finally happened.

I admit that, for the last few weeks, I've used a work phone with wifi for those important moments where I might need to check a work email while I'm on the go. (It's OK, that doesn't break the original rules.)

But this week things have changed, and my move into 1998 is about to be completed. Not only did Orange cut off my mobile data on Monday, but my beloved HTC Desire has just sold on eBay. And this time, it looks like a legitimate buyer.

Bye bye forever, 2010. It really is just me and a Nokia 6210 from here on in.

*Gulp.*

Today I will be going to The Beach

I cannot believe how good Moby's Play sounds on my 'new' MiniDisc player.

Surely MiniDisc was the best music format of all time? It even survives being thrown out of a window and then run over by a skateboard.

And yes, I know Play is from the year 2000. But someone kindly lent it to me until my blanks arrive via eBay. It's nice to have a small glimpse of where music is headed...

Tonight I'm making a 'mixtape'

All suggestions for tracks gratefully received.

OK, now the bad stuff

There I was, thinking all this would be a good idea. But using the Nokia 6210 - despite the fact that it bounces and the battery lasts for six days - has been a right pain in the proverbials.

Time to bring things down a bit. Let's get real.

One. Typing a text message on the non-predictive, 10-key number pad is so mindnumbingly (and thumbnumbingly) boring, I've actually reverted to speaking to people.

Two. People stare at me when I'm on it, with real fear in their eyes. I'm sure they whisper to each other too. When the text beeps go off or (God forbid) it rings, people start to laugh.

Three. No email. No Facebook. No Twitter (apart from Tweeting via text). No Shazam. No LinkedIn. No Peggle. Nothing to do on the bus.

Four. No maps. I'm in the habit of leaving the house with a vague idea of where I'm going, and a GPS map to do the rest. Now I just forget I don't have one and end up lost.

Five. Limited storage for numbers. I've laboriously typed in 10 people's numbers so most of the time have no idea who might be calling, or how to call anyone.

Time for another fax to Orange, methinks...

Note: The original 6210 picture has been Photoshopped (using my mad skills) to suit the tone of the piece. Don't complain - I learnt Photoshop in 1994. So there.

The hardest decision I have ever made

What did your first boss teach you?

I saw my first boss at a technology exhibition last week. I knew he was going to be there so was excited about meeting the chap that gave me my break in journalism in 1998.

Mark's a great guy and taught me a lot. Warning: This is going to be a bit of a cringey post (particularly if you're Mark) but I'd encourage you to think about it. I just hope he's reading it!

So... Five things that my first boss taught me:

Know people. He used to walk into any room, exhibition or meeting and everyone knew him. That was impressive to a budding journalist who had been in an industry for just a few weeks, and made me begin to understand the power of contacts.

Be generous, particularly towards junior members of the team as it builds loyalty and respect. He lent me his brand new Rover 800 V6 to drive to a conference in Paris. Yes, I crashed it. No, he didn't mind.

Stay in control. When we were out drinking with the MD until we were sick in our hair (not easy) or spending an entire day at a conference so hungover we could barely see, he was normally fine because he had held back a bit the night before. I try to do this now (but sometimes fail).

Bridge corporate boundaries. He was in with the MD but simultaneously down with the kids. He'd come out of his office just for some banter, and gave as good as he got... Even when we put up rude posters of him around the office. Or took the piss out of his taste in music. Or his hair.

Be nice. I never witnessed him raise his voice or lose his cool. If he was annoyed you could tell, but it wasn't via shouting or throwing stuff. He actually wanted you to enjoy the job enough to do it well. And he's still a top bloke.

Except for the hair, of course.

Email to 1998 from the Orange CEO's executive assistant

______________________________________

FROM: executive.office@orange.co.uk

TO: Jon Silk

SUBJECT: Orange

______________________________________

Dear Mr Silk,

Thank you for your email addressed to Tom Alexander, CEO, Everything Everywhere, highlighting the issues you have encountered when connecting to the Orange Network. Tom has passed this to his executive office for investigation and response.

From the account notes, I have identified that your complaint was handled previously and whilst it was acknowledged that you had experienced some issues in your home postcode area using 3G services, 2G coverage is good and does not restrict usage. As a result of this previous complaint, your monthly line rental was reduced to £15.00 per month for the remainder of your contract.

In light of the above, I do not feel any further action is required as the resolution reached was fair and appropriate.

Thank you for taking the time to document your concerns

Julia Walker
Executive Office Assistant

Have I been blacklisted by Orange?

1. Tweets to @orangehelpers = nothing
2. Response to the Orange Executive Office = nothing
3. Email to customer services via the website = nothing

I'm starting to get the feeling I've upset someone.

Any ideas on what to do next?

Image via Newtown Grafitti.

Letter to 1998 #2 from the Orange CEO's Executive Assistant

Dear Mr Silk,

Thank you for your email. I acknowledge your request to terminate your
contract early, but would like the opportunity to reveiw the situation and
restore your faith in Orange.

In order to do this please would you advise whether you have wifi at home and
if you would be willing to trial the UMA facility which can radically boost
in-house signal when set up. If this is acceptable, I will arrange for a
Technical Engineer to call you to assist in setting this up and will ensure
you have the most compatible phone

I look forward to hearing from you

Yours sincerely

Julia Walker
Executive Office Assistant

It's nearly time for Phase 2...

A call for help

Aaaaahhh the 90s. Oasis. Blur. Pulp. Cast. Ocean Colour Scene. Supergrass. Shed Seven. Suede.

With news of more reunion tours, it seems that our indie kids are destined to Live Forever.

A bit like my Orange contract, come to think of it.

So I’d like to ask you a favour. My tweets, faxes, emails, calls and letters are not getting through. I need your help.

Please either tweet @orangehelpers or email executive.office@orange.co.uk with the phrase:

“Please let @prgeek get Back to the Future!”

(Make sure you include '@orangehelpers' in your tweet, or cc 1998@jonsilk.com on the email.)

The 1998th person to do it gets two VIP tickets to Suede in a private box at the O2 on Tuesday, December 7th, courtesy of O2.

Yes, really.

If we don't get 1998 people I'll pick someone at random from all entrants that send their message before tomorrow at midnight... Good luck!

Reminder: You've gotta be in it to win it

To win two tickets to see 90s indie legends Suede at the O2 on Tuesday, all you need to do is either tweet @orangehelpers or email executive.office@orange.co.uk with the phrase:

“Please let @prgeek get Back to the Future!”

(Make sure you include '@orangehelpers' in your tweet, or cc 1998@jonsilk.com on the email.)

I've stopped getting responses from Orange on the issues I've had with their network, so you will be doing me a massive favour in my attempt to escape from 1998.

The winner will be chosen at random at midnight tonight (and you're in with a very good chance).

Thanks!

Congratulations @laurastrong1985 - you're going back to the 90s!

Last night, as promised, I put all the competition entries into a rather fetching trilby and picked the winner of the VIP tickets to Suede at the O2 on Tuesday.

Thanks for your support @laurastrong1985, and enjoy the gig!

Judging by Laura's Twitter handle, she's about to go back to being 13. So I hope she stays away from the bar on Tuesday night...

And a massive thanks to the other 72 people who emailed, tweeted (and in one case, faxed) Orange to send me 'Back to the Future'. Did anyone get a response?

Voicemail to 1998 from the Orange Executive Office

I missed a call on Friday, and just realised I had a new voicemail (that the Nokia 621o conveniently forgot to tell me about).

It looks like your messages may have done the trick. It was the office of the Chief Executive, saying an email was on its way to me over the weekend.

Nothing yet but will keep you posted...

Am I about to return to the future?

Photo via DaGoaty.

You're not going to believe this...

At about 3am this morning I was awoken by a fizzing and popping sound from the garden, followed by a blinding flash of blue electricity.

Gingerly I crept out of bed and opened the back door, stepping out into the freezing night. Lying on the ground in a perfect circle of scorched earth was this... Thing.

Looking like a small computer but without a keyboard, a bizarre but magical device lay on the ground, emanating a pulsating light. It was accompanied by a note, written by someone from the distant future.

Someone who read about my plight and understood how to contact me.

Someone who decided to reach out across the space/time continuum and communicate with the past.

"Hey Jon," said the note. "Welcome to the future! Try the HD7 for a couple of weeks and let me know what you think. JP."

I told you it was unbelievable.

You're not going to believe this...

Email to 1998 from the Orange Executive Office

Dear Mr Silk,

Thank you for your emails. I know you have already had some correspondence with @OrangeHelpers on Twitter but I have been reviewing your blog and tweets and would still welcome the opportunity to bring you ‘back to the future'.

Everything Everywhere is the biggest network in the UK and as a result I have the ability to offer you both Orange and T-Mobile services. I am confident that you will be able to successfully access data using a T-Mobile SIM in the postcodes you have provided us with and would like to offer you a top of the range handset to trial, using either a HTC Desire or iPhone 4 for a month to see for yourself. Once the trial period is complete we can review progress. We will look after the transfer of your existing number over to T-Mobile behind the scenes.

If this is acceptable to you, I will commence the process immediately.

Has Orange hung up on me for good?

This is getting silly now. I sent an email to the Executive Office a week ago in response to their offer (declining it, FYI), and followed up with a reminder to see if they'd come to a decision.

Nothing. Not even a "we're thinking about it". I'd settle for a "bog off" at this stage, to know where I stand.

But instead I get silence.

In the mean time, I've been stroked on Twitter by Vodafone and given a free HTC HD7 to trial by O2. And I'm sure 3 can't be far behind.

Surely the company can't be this bad at comms? The mind boggles.

Email to 1998 from the Orange Executive Office

Dear Mr Silk,

Thank you for your email and I acknowledge your comments regarding my proposal to improve the service we are providing to you. Whilst I can appreciate that you no longer wish to remain an Orange customer and want to transfer to O2/Vodafone, your contractual obligations with Orange do not end until 04 April 2012 and I consider that Orange has taken every opportunity to assist by:

- Reducing your Service Plan to the lowest possible charge
- Offered UMA to improve the signal inside your home/office
- Offered to provide a top of the range handset and connection to a T-Mobile SIM

The latter two have been rejected.

I would still welcome the opportunity to provide the above service and to restore your faith in Everything Everywhere.